Ah… the 80’s— big hair, synth music, and horror movies that were equal parts terrifying and cheesy. What a time. A perfect time to make a remake of a 1958 classic Blob… into a gore filled blob— filled with government conspiracies and a cast so bland it had to eat the whole town for any kind of substance.
There’s nothing like watching a horror movie with your mom— a joy I got this week as we settled in for one of her horror movie marathons. It’s less about experiencing fear and more about answering the endless cycle of, “Who’s that? What else was she in? Did she ever do another movie? She looks so familiar.”
It was Shawnee Smith, by the way. Yes, did a bunch of movies after this. She was in Saw.
And in between these trivia breaks, we managed to experience The Blob in all it’s globy and uncomfortably crunchy glory.
The movie starts you out in a small town called Arborville, dragging along as we get introduced to countless amounts of characters with varying versions of the same personality. But before we get to the good stuff we’re subjected to 30 minutes of dialogue and uncomfortable scene setting that made the ad breaks seem like a reprieve instead of obnoxious.
If there was any character I cared about it was the old man and his dog who first encounter the Blob after it crashes from a meteorite. And the moment the dog left the screen, so did my attention span ( The dog lives, by the way, we can all breath a sigh of relief. The old man though… he had a good run. )
Our main cast being: Meg, who’s your typical small town goodhearted girl; Brian, the misunderstood bad boy with the world’s most tragic mullet; And Paul… or what seems to be Paul seeing he gets cooked about 10 minutes after his introduction. Honestly, maybe the Blob was doing us all a favor though. Paul’s god-awful flirting and fake tough guy act was so tragic that his demise felt more like a mercy kill.
Anyways. Paul’s death steam rolls the whiplashing pace of absolutely nothing happening to suddenly Oh my God, everyones dead. Between the Blob’s short-lived rampages and mindless killing, we’re subjected to more lifeless dialogue that left me twiddling my thumbs, praying for more carnage just to lift the mood.
Fortunately, the Blob delivers—melting people, sucking them through drains, and straight up dissolving an entire movie audience ( just a few of my favorite ways it demolished the town ). IT the kind of excessive soupy horror that only an 80’s special effects team could bring to life. Which I found out much later they called “Blob Quilt” for what it was made of. Terrible awful name.
During all of this the government suddenly gets involved— because surprise, surprise The Blob wasn’t random space sludge on a bender! It was a biological weapon created by the U.S government… at least it wasn’t something about communism. Horror has come a long way since the 50’s.
The movie ends with whats left of the town turning on the government after Brain gives a lukewarm speech trying to get everyone together. They find out the weakness of our goopy friend and for lack of a better word… explode it.
The town is then completely happy and cheery as if they didn’t go through an entire goop-pocalypse.
They also tried to nod to a sequel but that’s unimportant since it never happened!
Wow! What a ride.
My mom’s final thoughts?
The minute I turned to her, she had a huge grin on her face as if we just watched the most beautiful piece of media to touch earth. “These are the movies I like. Put this on my list this is what I want to see more of”.
My final thoughts?
Was The Blob a good movie? No, not particularly. Is it a fun movie? Absolutely. It’s got everything you’d want from a 80’s horror— terrible dialogue, forgettable character, a plot thats equal parts forgettable and unhinged.
But the Blob itself? 10/10 villain. No dialogue, no motive— just pure gelatinous destruction.
At the end of the day, I found myself rooting for the Blob the entire time. I mean, it really did no wrong? It was shot out of some government station and just existed. It did’t ask to be made a bioweapon, or even to be plopped into the middle of nowhere.
Maybe the real horror story here isn’t the Blob but the villain that humanity made the blob to be.
The final verdict as summed up by my mom: “If the government ever gathers you all up and tells you there’s nothing to worry about— there’s something to worry about”.
2.5 stars, but 5/5 for the Blob.
Loved this review—totally took me back! I watched The Blob in the 80s too and you nailed the vibe: cheesy, gory, and somehow still a blast. Your mom sounds awesome, her reactions made me smile. And yes, the Blob was the real star—just out here doing its gooey thing!